So, you you are new to non-monogamy and want to date. So you got on Feeld and started chatting with this intriguing hottie. One evening, this new potential partner you met shares in your dm’s that they are married and polyamorous, living with their wife and three kids, their wife’s paramour, and two non romantic but committed partners. They share that they do not date anyone who is not respectful of this choice because it definitely affects their openness to dating you because they do not "just date" as a value, and are actively looking for more chosen family to love and live with.
Wow.
You were thinking yeah, I want to date more than one person, but, commit to more than one? Date someone who is already very committed? Hmmm....you were not expecting this and had not even considered what it might mean to date someone who is really, truly polyamorous. Their confidence, clarity and openness is so refreshing and, well, inspiring, quite honestly. Now, you’ve found yourself wondering if this flavor of non monogamy is one you are interested in?! You really like them, and you feel a bit overwhelmed with the questions that are coming up for you.
In the non-monogamy dating world, you are bound to meet folks who are in all types of non monogamous relationship styles. This is a great opportunity to figure out how to talk about what you are exploring, curious about or practicing and to be able to distinguish for yourself in real time, adjusting, clarifying and communicating to those you are dating early on and often. So often, just like in monogamous relationships, the habits of avoiding, obfuscating, assuming and expecting anything in relationships is where we run into trouble. We are humans. We have hearts and longings. We all want to feel safe with those we are with, most especially romantically. Meeting people in the non-monogamy community can be truly inspiring and a great way to practice being curious, asking questions and being open! Most people love sharing about their experience and appreciate curiosity with consent.
Let Ayala and I acknowledge our perspective as relationship therapists who help people explore these topics. We believe there is no single “right” way to do a relationship. Monogamy, non-monogamy, and the many styles within non-monogamy—none are inherently superior or more or less evolved. And we want everyone to feel welcome and included, even those who are exploring and unsure. And having said that, we stand for open, clear and frequent communication as an ethical responsibility in all relationships. If you want to attract honest, clear, mature relating, we encourage you to practice it!
Here are some steps in your self-exploration process that might be helpful:
Self-Reflection
Agreeing to polyamory just to impress this amazing date, or to push yourself to otherwise enter into something you are unsure of, or just to make your current partner happy or to “save” your marriage or yourself from a mid life crisis, is setting yourself and everyone around you for failure. When faced with the fear of losing a current partner or the juicy exploration of a new partner, it can be tempting to agree to something you may not truly know if you want or are available for. And in the long run, compromising your own values, desires, needs and boundaries will likely lead to more hurt for everyone involved.
So just be honest. This is one of the reasons people love The Non Monogamy Card Game. Let the cards lead the hard conversations for you.
That’s why it’s important to continuously check in with yourself throughout this process. Is there any part of you that is genuinely excited about exploring polyamory for you? What is your, “Why poly now?” This is crucial to answer for yourself. The most successful non monogamous relationships happen when the choice feels in alignment with your truest self and those you are practicing with.
Right isn’t easy, but there is not a sense of self betrayal or fear. There are plenty of people in this community who are open and willing to play within a set of parameters that are good for everyone involved. You do not need to try and force yourself or anyone else into anything quickly or at all! You also have a right and responsibility to be committed to self exploration and to the practice of checking in with your partner(s). We believe in the creation of “living agreements” and regular relationship check ins. It is the whole reason we created The Non Monogamy Card Game in the first place, to help people have the conversation they need and want to have.
It is okay to explore and then change your mind! “Hey, I tried this and it wasn’t for me!”, is 100% acceptable at any point. Most people experience some level of uncertainty in any relationship style. Doubt isn’t necessarily a red flag—it’s an invitation for deeper exploration and conversation. Perhaps an invitation to slow down. Questions will and should rise along the way and that is a good thing, it means you are being thoughtful, doing your due diligence and growing.
A good place to begin is by reflecting on what polyamory means to you. When you imagine loving multiple people, are you enlivened? Curious? Excited? Nervous? What emotions come up when you picture your partner being in love with and deepening with someone else—anxiety, excitement, relief, fear? None of these feelings are right or wrong, but it’s helpful to understand what’s coming up for you and to be able to name them and talk about it. Conflicting feelings are completely normal. There’s no “right” or “wrong” way to feel at this stage, and your emotions don’t automatically dictate whether this is or isn’t the right choice for you.
Really Learn About Polyamory
If polyamory is new to you, now is a great time to educate yourself. You’re in luck—there has never been more quality information available on non-monogamy.
Polyamory isn’t just about having multiple, loving relationships—it’s about consent, communication, and emotional growth. Some good resources include:
- Books: Polysecure (Jessica Fern), The Ethical Slut (Janet Hardy & Dossie Easton), and Compersion (Marie Thouin, PhD)
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Podcasts: Normalizing Non-Monogamy, Multiamory, Nope! We're Not Monogamous, and Poly Curious—each featuring the stories of real people thriving in different relationship styles
Keep Talking to Your Partner and Your Dates!
Open, honest conversations with any and all potential or current partners are key. As you continue learning and reflecting, stay open and curious about your partner(s) process as well. The more everyone can listen without making assumptions, the more likely this exploration will strengthen your bonds—regardless of the relationship structure you ultimately choose. It cannot be stressed enough that you be honest with yourself and those you are dating. If you are new to non-monogamy and especially poly, you need to say so. We are all human beings with feelings, needs and longings just like you and no one person’s experience should be exploited or dismissed.
A great tool for guiding these discussions is The Non-Monogamy Card Game, which includes 150 questions designed to help you explore your values, hopes, and fears in a way that fosters deeper understanding and connection.
Seek Support
Talking to a therapist, especially one familiar with polyamory, can help you process your emotions and figure out how to practice. You might also find it helpful to connect with people who have been in similar situations. Look for non-monogamous/ poly meetups or events in your local community, or join online forums and Facebook groups where people discuss their experiences with non-monogamy. We love Emma and Finn at https://www.normalizingnonmonogamy.com/community which is an international virtual non monogamy community!
Give Yourself and Your Dates Time
This is a big shift, and you don’t have to decide immediately. It’s okay to say, “I need time to think about this” and check in with yourself as you go. There’s a common saying in non-monogamous communities: "Move at the pace of the slowest partner." Even if you are excited about this change, it’s important to set a pace that allows for thoughtful, intentional exploration. If you decide to move forward, taking your time can help set your relationship up for success. Happy dating!