When we were first creating The Non-Monogamy Card Game, I was chatting with a non-monogamous friend, brainstorming potential names. “Poking the Bear,” he joked. We obviously didn’t take his advice.
But in all seriousness, his joke touched on an important reason why many people avoid having early conversations about what they want and need in a relationship. I’ve often heard friends and clients say things like:
“I’m afraid that if we talk about it, we’ll realize we want different things, and that will ruin the fun we’re having now.” Or, “I don’t know exactly what I want from this connection yet, so until I do, it’s easier not to ask what they want.”
These thoughts are completely normal. But while they may seem like they’re protecting the relationship, they often just set you up for more hurt down the road. There’s a better way—one that fosters clarity, trust, and deeper connection.
Talking About Non-Monogamy Doesn’t Create Misalignment
Sometimes, having these conversations early on does bring to light areas where you and your partner might not align. But here’s the thing—talking about it doesn’t create misalignment. It was already there.
The longer you stay in a relationship without discussing expectations, the more emotionally invested you become. And when those differences inevitably surface later, it’s often much harder to navigate because you’ve already built strong emotional bonds.
By having these conversations sooner rather than later, everyone involved can check in with themselves and assess whether any misalignment is a dealbreaker. Together you can clarify what the connection can and cannot be. This allows you to enjoy the relationship for what it is, rather than holding on to separate unspoken fantasies of what you each want it to be.
When both people are on the same page, it reduces misunderstandings, unmet expectations, and the potential for resentment.
You Don’t Have to Have It All Figured Out
A common misconception is that you need to know exactly what you want before you talk about it. But relationships aren’t about presenting a neatly packaged conclusion—they’re about exploring together.
In fact, if you wait until you have everything figured out, you rob your partner of the opportunity to be part of the conversation. A relationship is a dynamic, evolving experience, and discussing your uncertainties together builds a foundation of open and ongoing communication.
When you practice coming together in the unknown—talking through conflicting feelings, hopes, and concerns—you create a space where both of you get to feel heard and understood. You create a relationship foundation that normalizes open dialogue, rather than making relationship talks feel like high-stakes negotiations. You also develop trust—because you know you can navigate ambiguity together.
This mindset shift takes the pressure off both of you to have all the answers upfront, making space for honest, frequent, and constructive conversations.
How to Start the Conversation When You’re Unsure
It can feel scary to bring something up when you’re still figuring out what you want. A great way to approach this is by owning the uncertainty from the start.
For example, you could say:
“I’m hesitant to bring this up because the truth is, I’m still unsure of how I feel. I don’t want to put things in a box or limit any possibilities while I’m still uncertain. But I also want us to be comfortable talking about [XYZ]. Are you okay with me sharing all my conflicting thoughts as we figure it out together?”
This approach frames the conversation as an open exploration, rather than a negotiation. It gives your partner buy-in—which is important since they’re an active participant this way, not just reacting to a conclusion.This creates an environment that encourages collaboration, even if you have different perspectives.
Using Tools to Make Conversations Easier
One of the beautiful things about a resource like The Non-Monogamy Card Game is that the game asks the questions for you. This removes the pressure of figuring out which conversations to have or how to start them.
In our work with clients and in personal conversations, We’ve often seen people hesitate to have these discussions—only to later report that they were surprised by how much they actually aligned with their partner. Most people also feel closer after discussing both the exciting and difficult topics and experienced a deeper sense of trust and connection, even when they didn’t fully agree
At the end of the day, avoiding these conversations doesn’t prevent challenges—it just delays them. Being brave enough to lean in now saves you from misunderstandings and heartbreak later.
What to Do If You Realize You Want Different Things
If a misalignment does arise, start with compassionate curiosity instead of assuming it’s an immediate dealbreaker.
Ask questions. Can you understand why this makes sense for them, even if it doesn’t for you?
Express empathy. Can you acknowledge their feelings, even if they differ from yours?
Re-evaluate together. Does this difference actually mean you’re incompatible, or can you both hold differing perspectives while still nurturing the connection?
If it is a dealbreaker, ask yourselves:
Does this mean the relationship needs to end entirely? Or, is there another way to stay connected that honors both of your needs?
Not every relationship needs to fit a predefined mold, and sometimes, finding creative ways to stay in each other’s lives—whether as friends, metamours, or something else—can be deeply fulfilling. This is one of the beautiful things about non monogamy.
The Courage to Communicate
Early relationship conversations can feel daunting, but they are a gift, not a threat. They give you the clarity to build something intentional and sustainable, rather than leaving your connection up to unspoken assumptions.
Remember, you don’t need all the answers to start the conversation—you just need a willingness to explore together. And in doing so, you’re not only strengthening your current relationship, but also building the skills that will serve you in every relationship to come.
So take a deep breath, lean in, and start talking. You might be surprised at how much stronger your relationship becomes because of it.