Is Non-Monogamy Right for Me?

February 17, 2025

Is Non-Monogamy Right for Me?

Understanding Your Relationship Preferences

To Begin With... You may know what you want, but what do you have to offer?

Monogamy, the practice of forming a committed relationship with a single partner, has long been the societal norm in many cultures. Non-monogamy, however, is a relationship structure where individuals may form platonic, romantic, and/or sexual connections with multiple partners, based on mutual consent.

This article is intended to assist you in determining if non-monogamy aligns with your values and lifestyle preferences. It is not a case for non-monogamy being superior; it is simply a different choice practiced by millions globally today and throughout history. Non-monogamy is not a solution for relationship woes; it requires self-awareness, strong communication, and boundary-setting skills. Flexibility, humility, and conscientiousness are key.

Interpersonal relationships require skill, emotional intelligence, and a deep commitment to personal growth. Non-monogamy is not "permission to cheat", nor is it a solution for a failing relationship. It is also distinct from polygamy, polyandry, or polygyny, which are religious or cultural practices involving multiple spouses. In the U.S., marrying multiple people is illegal, but having multiple committed partners is not. Social taboo and misunderstanding can lead to judgment, making education crucial and the practice of non-monogamy challenging.

In this article, explore whether non-monogamy aligns with your values, needs, and goals, outlining key considerations, different types, and practical steps for exploration.

Understanding Non-Monogamy

Cultural and Historical Contexts

Non-monogamous relationships are not new. Various cultures worldwide have embraced them in different forms:

Polygyny in Africa and the Middle East: Historically common for economic and social purposes.

Polyandry in Himalayan Societies: Practiced to conserve family resources.

Open Relationships in Mosuo Culture (China): "Walking marriages" emphasize autonomy and mutual consent.

Historical Polyamory in Indigenous Cultures: Many Indigenous American cultures had fluid family structures.

Swinging in Post-War America: Emerged as a subculture among military communities, focusing on sexual exploration while maintaining emotional exclusivity.

These examples highlight the adaptability and historical significance of non-monogamy.

What Is Non-Monogamy?

Non-monogamy is an umbrella term for relationship structures allowing multiple platonic, romantic, or sexual relationships with informed consent. Unlike cheating, non-monogamy prioritizes transparency, mutual agreement, and ethical communication.

At its core, non-monogamy creates relationship dynamics that honor each individual's needs and desires while fostering mutual trust and respect. Not all non monogamy is the same so understanding the different types and what they require are crucial.

Common Types of Non-Monogamous Relationships

Swinging

Couples engage in sexual activities with others, often in social settings. Emotional connections outside the primary partnership are minimal. This can enhance relationships if both partners enjoy shared sexual exploration. Often conducted at public or private “play parties”.

Open Relationships

Partners allow sexual or platonic relationships outside their primary bond, varying from casual encounters to ongoing connections. This can be beneficial when personal or sexual interest changes over time or when illness or distance become a factor in otherwise committed and healthy relationships.

Polyamory

Polyamory involves multiple romantic or emotional relationships with consent. These relationships may be hierarchical (primary/secondary partners) or egalitarian, with all partners valued equally. Falling in love with multiple partners is expected and this route can be the most emotionally difficult to manage. A common problem with having a “Primary” partner is that the “secondary” partner might feel less loved or important if the primary feels threatened and “vetoes” the relationship.

Relationship Anarchy

Rejects traditional hierarchies and expectations, prioritizing autonomy and organic relationship development based on mutual agreement. It approaches each encounter without expectation or assumption of it to “be” any one type of preordained thing.

Kitchen Table Polyamory

Multi-partner families or cohabiting groups blend emotional, romantic, and familial relationships, often forming chosen families that provide support, cohabitation, and co-parenting.

Key Considerations for Exploring Non-Monogamy

Personal Values, Priorities and Beliefs

Start with your values. What are they? Next, ask yourself what your priorities are. Consider aspirations such as children, cohabitation, or financial partnerships. Ensure your relationship structure aligns with these goals and remains flexible over time. Once you are clear about these, discuss them with your partner(s). From there, create some “living agreements”. The Foundations deck of The Non-Monogamy Card Game can help clarify values and facilitate your initial conversations.

Emotional Readiness

To engage ethically in non-monogamy, consider:

Why this? Why now? Assess your motivations.

Emotional Intelligence: Can you identify and articulate emotions with ease? How do you handle the feelings of others?

Capacity for Communication: Can you manage multiple relationships' emotions? Do you have the time to?

Boundaries & Needs: Can you clarify and respect them? Your own and others?

A humorous example: A woman joked that she needed a therapist's permission slip confirming her partner’s capability for non-monogamy. While extreme, this illustrates the level of self-awareness required. Swinging or play parties differ from managing multiple committed relationships but still pose challenges.

Jealousy & Insecurity: Consider comfort with these emotions and strategies for management. These feelings WILL rise.

Self-Awareness: Understand and communicate your needs effectively over time.

Emotional Regulation: Navigate complex feelings while maintaining healthy relationships. Avoid the “drama/ trauma cycle”.

Communication Skills, Time and Living Agreements

Successful non-monogamy requires strong communication through living agreements with all parties where agreements and boundaries are reviewed, discussed and modified to keep everyone feeling safe. You will need to have a well developed capacity for conflict resolution to address misunderstandings constructively. And a clear structure for setting everyone up for success with regularly scheduled check in’s. Is it becoming clear that non-monogamy requires balancing multiple relationships alongside work, hobbies, and self-care?

Why Choose Non-Monogamy?

Historical Context

Western marriages originated as legal property agreements rooted in patriarchy. Many non-traditional marriages today prioritize legal benefits while practicing non-monogamy ideologically. Many are opposed to legal marriage and even balk at having boundaries of any kind. This is all fine as long as you are transparent with any potential partners. Respect is key and operating with clear information is the only ethical way to practice.

Other Motivations

Desire for Variety: Different partners fulfill different emotional, sexual, or social needs.

Emotional Intimacy: Deepening emotional bonds with multiple partners.

Support Networks: Creating a resilient network for emotional, financial, and practical support.

Authenticity: Aligning with values of freedom and autonomy.

Why Monogamy May Be a Better Fit

Preference for Exclusivity: Strong desire for a single emotional connection.

Simplicity: Less complex emotional navigation.

Cultural Alignment: Comfort with societal norms.

Steps to Explore Non-Monogamy

Educate Yourself with good resources. Read books, listen to podcasts, and explore online content. Connect with non monogamy communities; contact local or online groups through facebook or local meet-ups. Then, have honest conversations with partners, set expectations, and establish agreements before exploring new dynamics. Work with a competent therapist.

Exploring non-monogamy is a deeply personal journey requiring self-reflection, communication, and growth. It can be an incredibly liberating journey that leads to a more fulfilling life. Whether choosing monogamy, non-monogamy, or something in between, alignment with your authentic self is key and this is why we created the Non Monogamy Card Game, to help you figure it out and manage it well. Take your time and go slowly.

Here are some recommended further resources to explore:

Relationships, Dating and Marriage in General:

Radical Friendship: Seven Ways to Love Yourself and Find Your People in an Unjust World by Kate Johnson

The Ethical Slut: A Guide to Infinite Sexual Possibilities by Dossie Easton and Catherine A. Liszt

Eight Dates by John Gottman

Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski

Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find--And Keep-- Love by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller

The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert by John Gottman, PhD.

Passionate Marriage: Keeping Love and Intimacy Alive in Committed Relationships by David Schnarch

Wired for Love by Stan Takin

Hold Me Tight by Dr. Sue Johnson

The Space Between: The Point of Connection by Harville & Helen Hendrix & LaKelly Hunt