You and your partner decided to open your relationship a little while ago, and now the moment has finally arrived—your partner is going on their first date with someone else.
Conceptually, you’re all for this. It aligns with your values. You and your partner have done all the right things: deep conversations, setting boundaries, sharing hopes and fears. But now that it’s actually happening, you can’t help but notice some unexpected feelings bubbling up—nervousness, insecurity, maybe even… a little jealousy.
First of all—this is normal. Even when non-monogamy makes sense to you in theory, living it out can bring up emotions you didn’t anticipate. The important thing is how you choose to navigate those feelings.
What Not to Do: The “Distraction Date” Trap
You might be tempted to schedule a date of your own to keep busy and distract yourself from these emotions. We highly recommend NOT doing this.
This is Ayala sharing here: “I once went on a date and realized halfway through that I was this guy’s “distraction date.” Let me tell you—it did not feel good. I was left feeling confused, hurt, and completely uninterested in giving him another chance.”
There’s nothing inherently wrong with planning dates on the same night as your partner. But if this is your first time navigating an open relationship—or if you’re feeling emotionally unsettled—this is not the best space to explore a new connection from. It’s not honoring your own feelings, and it’s definitely not fair to bring someone else into your emotional turmoil or to use them jut because you are feeling anxious or afraid.
What to Do Instead
So, if a “distraction date” isn’t the answer, what is? Here are some ways to take care of yourself while your partner is on their date:
1. Set Yourself and Your Partner Up for Success
Before the date even happens, set yourselves up for success by talking through how to support one another during the experience. Make sure you both have a “soft onramp and off ramp" to this new experience by talking through expectations before, during and after!
This is Kristen here: “I have worked with a married couple for a while who are non monogamous but only the husband wanted to date others. It took years for them to get to the success they experience now, including many years where non monogamy was not being practiced while they really worked on their communication about his desire to date. In other words they didn't rush into it, they prioritized their marriage, and they did things slowly and with great care to make sure that they were only moving as fast as their marriage would allow. Their agreement was that he can have away dates with sex workers and this works for them as it helps her know there is an emotional and professional boundary that doesn’t threaten the marriage. They have done a really inspiring job of setting themselves up for success with things like love notes that arrive while he is gone, strict rules about communications during the date, and making sure that they have a clear calendar when he returns so that they can come back together with some tenderness and grace. I have learned so much from this couple as they have bravely traversed their own form of non monogamy that works for them and really have nailed the soft start and landing!”
2. Plan for Aftercare
Make a plan for how you and your partner will reconnect afterward. Consider:
- What kind of information feels okay (or not okay) to share?
-
What aftercare rituals would help you both feel secure and connected?
Some ideas:
💛 Having a date night afterward
💛 Cuddling and sharing what you love about your connection
💛 Talking openly about the emotions that came up for both of you
💛 Spending quality time doing something you enjoy together
Having this plan in place can help ease anxiety, knowing that there’s a built-in moment to check in and reconnect.
3. Make Space for Your Own Feelings
Use this time to explore what’s coming up for you. Ask yourself:
~Am I excited because we’re finally taking real steps toward the kind of relationship we’ve talked about?
~Am I scared that my partner might enjoy this date too much or that I’ll lose them?Am I feeling jealous?
~Am I feeling compersion (joy in my partner’s joy)?
~Am I feeling a mix of all of the above?
There’s no right or wrong way to feel. The important thing is to acknowledge and process these emotions rather than pushing them away.
Ways to do this:
📝 Journaling – Try this journal prompt: Identify each different part of you that is feeling a different emotion. Then write from the perspective of each one of these different parts, letting it express itself.
🎨 Creative Expression – Make art, write poetry, or express your emotions in another creative way.
🧘 Mindfulness Practices – Meditate, take deep breaths, or engage in another practice that helps you sit with your feelings without judgment.
💬 Talk to Someone – A therapist (especially one who specialises in non monogamy) or a trusted friend (who gets it) can be invaluable in helping you process what’s coming up.
4. “Date” Yourself
Instead of distracting yourself, be intentional about how you spend your time. Ask yourself: "What would make me feel good tonight?"
Ideas:
🎬 A solo night catching up on movies your partner never wants to watch
🏞️ A hike, a yoga class, or some other self-care activity
🍽️ Calling a trusted friend and saying, “Hey, this is kind of a tender night for me—want to go out for dinner?”
Unlike a “distraction date,” this option includes consent from your friend and allows you to receive real support and connection.
Final Thoughts: Be Kind to Yourself
Big emotions might come up—and that doesn’t mean you’re “bad” at non-monogamy or that this was a mistake. It just means this is new.
Try to have compassion for yourself. Instead of judging your feelings, be curious about them. Ask yourself, “What do I need to feel supported right now?” and then give yourself permission to meet those needs.
And remember, this is why we created The Non Monogamy Card Game, so that you don't have to guess as to what conversations need and want to happen when you are practicing non monogamy.
You’ve got this. 💛