So you and your partner are thinking about having your first threesome…
Threesomes can be an exciting and fun sexual adventure to share with your partner. AND they can also bring up a lot of emotions—anticipation, curiosity, nervousness, and even insecurity.
As a sex and relationship therapist, I’ve had the honor of helping individuals and couples navigate these feelings, both in planning and in retrospect.
I once had a client* say, “We’re both pretty nervous about this. We’re thinking of going out of town, getting a little drunk, and picking someone up at a bar.”
I get the nerves—but I would NOT recommend that approach. Instead of breaking down all the reasons why that might not go well, let’s focus on how to make your first threesome a positive, connected, and exciting experience for everyone involved.
Before: Planning as Foreplay
First, there’s no rush. Taking your time and engaging in conversations leading up to the threesome isn’t just practical—it’s part of the fun.
Fantasy Sharing
Share your different fantasies about the experience. What excites you about it? What aspects of it turn you on? You might be surprised to learn that you and your partner are drawn to different parts of the idea. Fantasy-sharing can feel vulnerable, so approach it with curiosity and openness. Even if your partner’s fantasy differs from yours, reflect back on what about it you can see as exciting instead of shutting it down or rushing on to sharing your own. When we get nervous, we can easily shift into thinking about what is "fair", or about how it has to be "equal". Remember, this is something you are doing together, for the good of one another so see it as a creative, collaborative endeavor.
Fears and Hesitations
Just as important as discussing excitement is acknowledging any fears or concerns. While this part of the conversation might not feel as sexy, it strengthens your connection and builds trust.
Ask yourselves:
- What are you nervous about?
- What reassurances might you or your partner need before, during, or after the experience?
- These discussions create safety and help prevent miscommunication or misunderstandings later.
Defining Boundaries & Needs
Now that you’ve explored your emotions, it’s time to set clear boundaries and expectations. Ask yourselves:
Who will you play with?
Someone you already know? A stranger from a dating app? A fellow traveler while on vacation? A sex worker**?
Where will it happen?
Your home? A hotel? Another location?
What’s on the table (and what’s off-limits)?
Are there specific sex acts you’re excited about? Are there acts that are definite no’s?
Sexual health transparency & safer sex practices
Will protection be used? What kind? Will you want to exchange recent STI test results?
How will you handle unexpected feelings?
What if one of you changes your mind mid-experience? Consider using a safe word or signal that means: Pause everything—we need to check in. Let your third know in advance that this might happen and invite them to set their own safety protocols, too.
How will the experience end?
Plan for the end from the beginning: Will you all want to cuddle and stay the night together? Will you hang out and chat afterward? Or would you rather part ways fairly soon after?
After-care
What will help you both feel safe and reassured of your connection with one another afterwards?
Now that you and your partner are on the same page, you’ll need to have this same conversation with your third partner. Everyone deserves fully informed consent and a chance to express their own desires, limits, and needs.
Checklist for the Three of You
Before moving forward, make sure all three of you discuss:
1. Desires & boundaries
2. Hard limits & safe words
3. Sexual health & protection
4. When & where it will happen
5. How it will end
6. What aftercare is needed
During: When Fantasy Meets Reality
Now that the planning is done, it’s time for the fun part—but staying mindful and present will ensure that the experience is enjoyable for everyone.
Checking In During the Experience
It’s okay (and encouraged) to pause and check in with each other at any time. Questions like:
- “Are you enjoying this?”
- “Do you like this?”
- “How is this for you?”
…aren’t just respectful—they’re sexy! Enthusiastic consent and active communication enhance the experience rather than take away from it.
You also know your partner well. Listen not just for their words but read one another's facial cues and body language.
Honor the Boundaries You Set
If the three of you agreed beforehand that certain acts were off-limits, now is not the time to change those agreements.
It’s easy to get swept up in the moment when you’re feeling turned on—but stepping outside of pre-set boundaries can lead to hurt feelings, regret, or even a breach of trust.
If something unexpected comes up, pause and check in with your partner before making a decision. You can always debrief afterwards and change the agreements for next time!
After: Debriefing & Aftercare
Immediate Aftercare
Once the threesome is over, honor any aftercare agreements you made beforehand. Some people might want to:
- Cuddle and decompress together
- Spend time alone to process
- Have a casual chat with the third person before parting ways
Check in with your partner about their emotional state after the experience. Even if everything went smoothly, it’s normal for people to have lingering thoughts or unexpected emotions.
Debriefing Later
You don’t have to dissect the experience immediately—unless that was your plan. But at some point, it’s helpful to ask:
- What did we love about it?
- Was there anything unexpected—good or bad?
- Did we feel safe, connected, and turned on?
- Would we want to do this again? If so, would anything need to change?
Final Thoughts
Your first threesome should be exciting, fun, as well as physically and emotionally safe for everyone involved. By taking your time, setting clear boundaries, and keeping communication open before, during, and after your threesome, you maximize the chance that this will be an experience that brings you and your partner closer.
Please Note:
*The confidentiality of my clients is very important to me. The client example given is not a direct quote but a composite of sentiments shared with me by various people over the years.
**We are not encouraging anything illegal- please respect all local laws. Please make sure you are engaging in sexual activity with consenting adults, including of-age sex workers who have freely chosen this work of their own volition. Additionally, You should never be pressured into doing something just for someone else's pleasure.